Maintaining Hope After an Abusive Relationship

by Naulia Bennett

I never believed in love, at least not the kind depicted in movies and shows. It was the year 2015 when I began dating a guy I met online. As you may or may not have known, I’m homeschooled which makes any human interaction much harder to find. I constantly rely on social media to meet new people more than anyone else I’ve come into contact with. Perhaps I was a bit desperate for a lover but wasn’t everyone at the peak of adolescence? Anyhow, this guy I found online was two and a half years older than me. At the time, it didn’t seem like much of a difference. Age is just a number, right? That being said, if I had known what would come ahead I would’ve never gotten myself involved with him.

We started dating after a week of talking. He told me he lived in a nearby town and we were already planning our first date. We were both young and dumb and thought what we had was “love”. Almost every day we would either call or text each other for hours. The first couple of months were fine but what haunts me to this day are the months which followed our first meet and greet at his work. Of all the fast food places to work, he worked at Burger King. I remember that day perfectly because I awkwardly screamed, “I LOVE YOU!” across the parking lot. To this day I still don’t know if he heard me but if he did I just want him to know that was a big fucking mistake.

The many months which followed involved a more forceful version of the “blame game” as well as lying and manipulation. He blamed me for every single one of his actions as if I had played a significant role in them which I clearly didn’t. He also started to become over controlling, not allowing me to speak with certain people or do certain things without his approval. He wanted to get rid of all of his friends just to be with me and I wasn’t onboard with that plan at all. I want my significant other to have friends and a social life besides me. That's what a happy and healthy relationship is like.

A bit further down the road, we broke up for a couple of months and then got back together again. We were a bit obsessed with each other to say the least, which was an indicator of how unhealthy our relationship had become. Every month which passed came with more issues. He started to become mentally abusive, telling me one thing one day but meaning something completely different the next day. For some reason I would always believe him which made matters worse on both ends. He was, as one would put it, “owning his power as a young man”. He felt that if he had more control over the relationship than I did I would have no choice but to stay and waste away in my sorrows.

As if things weren’t already bad as they were, he began cheating on me with multiple girls at a time. We were off and on while he was attending boot camp in Texas. It was—as everything in the relationship had been—his decision. While he was at boot camp, he wanted a “distraction” and started using me for provocative photos and then some. I told him I didn’t want to give or receive provocative photos but when you’re forced into something as innocent as that you feel powerless. I gave in to almost everything he wanted from me.

One particular FaceTime call pains me to recall. He wanted me to take my clothes off but I never consented and I’m sure you could guess what happened next. I was smart enough to stop at my shirt and pants, keeping only my bra and underwear on. That will always be the most vulnerable moment for me. “Spin around,” he says as I slowly begin to turn my body around to give him a better view. I stopped and told him I couldn’t do it anymore and we ended the call shortly after.

Keep in mind our “relationship” went on for a staggering two years and I was still a minor. He was continuously screwing around with other girls at the time we were talking but my dumbass “loved” him despite how poorly treated I was by him. I would’ve done anything for him. That’s what was so scary about the whole situation. I won’t ever forget how little he made me feel and how useless my ability to speak had become.

Years later, I’ve since worked on myself as much a person could after being brainwashed for as long as I had. If you’d have asked my thirteen year old self where I’d have seen myself in the near future, I wouldn’t have been able to answer so strongly and confidently. To be frank, I thought I would never find someone I knew I deserved. I don’t use the word “hate” very often but I can’t come up with a more fitting word that would be able to describe my pure disgust towards those who make you feel less of an individual than they are. Those are the kinds of people you need to avoid.

What I’m about to say is biased but I’m a firm believer that to love someone else you must learn to love yourself first. I think it’s important to have a concrete relationship with yourself before you can have a concrete relationship with someone else. Once you’ve built a healthy alliance with yourself you can use it to your advantage in both friendships and relationships alike. It will help those around you better understand what you want and how to give as well as receive those wants.

When I met my current boyfriend of almost three months, he’d opened my eyes to life’s endless possibilities when loved by someone who only wants the best for you. It’s an amazing feeling; love. My parents have never seen me this happy before in all my seventeen years of existence. They think we “work perfectly together” and I couldn’t agree more. We don’t disagree on much of anything, considering we have similar views on many things. However, we do have different aspirations in life but we fully support each other in whatever path we choose in life. That’s what makes our relationship so real; versatility. I think versatility is the key to a thriving relationship. If a relationship is not versatile why are you in a relationship at all?

As I’m writing this, the warm air blowing through my blue, ragged curtains, it’s near impossible to wonder about a life without him in it. I’ve been given hope. Hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that not everyone is going to treat me poorly. Hope that love really does exist. Perhaps twenty years from now I still won’t know what love means but I’ll be forever reminded of the first person who made me feel so.

Naulia Bennet, Editor for Mezzazine